to: xoe mars or previous resident, as available

i dream of what you’d think of us
if you saw me as us today
would you find us an ugly thing
or would you have no words to say
i know you couldn’t understand

what we’d be
what we are
what we want
what do we want?

you thought i’d be a writer, and i think maybe i want that too / but all the words you’d have made me write are wrong and i don’t

in the end i really don’t know whether this is all that important or not, you know? like, if he’s even around, what is he gonna say? sorry for being a tremendous asshole? sorry for all the pain i caused? no one actually wants to hear that. it would just be like, self-serving. i mean to be fair we do that too, right? like, we hurt people all the time and still want to ask them for forgiveness. we don’t do it, but we want to. the secret to making amends is that it’s not actually possible. even if a relationship heals or rebuilds, it isn’t mended. shit like that lingers. it’s a scar on their heart. you don’t get to just wipe it away with a word. you don’t get to wipe it away at all. you just have to keep living and doing your best. that’s all any of us can do. sorry. i know i’m taking up a lot of space. i just feel like i have to keep talking or i’ll die. i have to open up my ribcage and let my heart fly like a bird. or like a dragon.

know what to do / if you’re in there somewhere i hope that you never have to see / how much i’ve ruined everything you wanted to be

did it hurt you when i killed you
when i wiped you from my mind
are you really gone or will you
always be a part of me

you never wanted anything more than you wanted an easy life
you thought that you would settle down, be husband to a wife
you never gave a care to all the evil things that you said
you never had to hold the fear of coming home to find somebody dead

i wish i had a chance to see
the carefree life you thought you’d have
i wish i had the chance to know
what life is like when you can afford dental insurance

i am not you | we are not your joke
i am not you | we know what you don’t know

anyway, if you’re reading this, i hope you know we’re taking good care of things here. don’t come back. none of our clothes fit you.